I’m often struck by how some very compassionate-seeming people are so not compassionate with themselves. Their inner dialogue toward themselves can be harsh and absolutely contradictory to how they would speak to others. Sometimes this inner dialogue may come from some other time and place, perhaps reflecting how one was spoken to as a younger person.
When I was a kid, I was yelled at by an angry woman in a grocery story. A stranger. This 50 years or so later, I don’t remember the content of what she said, or even what she looked like. But I remember clearly how she made me feel: very small, very ashamed, very wrong in my own skin. I was a pretty good kid, especially in public, so I truly don’t know what happened. Likely I was just a powerless person for her to project her own suffering onto. But being a child, I took it on for a time. Believing I did something wrong and that I should be harder on myself and not mess up again. Thankfully, I was not her child, so being yelled at so meanly and severely was shocking. I had a good balance of a loving family who would never have spoken to me in such a demeaning way. So it didn’t stick for a long time. I know I’m fortunate for that.
But some people had that angry woman in the grocery store, someone like her, as a parent. Receiving a constant barrage of criticisms and cruelness. Overtime that can become a prominent theme of the inner dialogue one carries.
Or sometimes the abusive inner dialogue comes from the culture. The idea of having to be tough on oneself in order to make it. “No pain, no gain.” I recently read an old quote from a once prominent motivational speaker that essentially said the tougher you are on yourself, the easier life will be. That makes me wince a bit now. But those were common notions at one time, that motivation and success comes from being unkind and punitive with oneself.
But actually, we’ve learned a lot since those days. Kristin Neff, PhD and Chris Germer, PhD, authors, lecturers, and developers of the Mindful Self-Compassion program, are leading authorities on self-compassion. Through their work, it turns out research shows that people who practice self-compassion are happier, more self-confident, have better physical health, and more life satisfaction. And interestingly, more self-compassionate people are more compassionate overall.
Self-compassion is not a self-indulgent thing. It’s not being weak and mired in self-pity. It’s not being narcissistic or self-centered. It’s not even about self-esteem.
Essentially self-compassion is being an inner ally. Being kind to self and recognizing one’s common humanity. Treating oneself as we would treat a friend when they’re suffering.
When I think back on being being painfully jolted by the scathing words of an enraged stranger, I can easily offer compassion to my younger self. I can see that was a difficult thing to experience that brought fear and sadness. I can also recognize that most any kid, or truly anyone, who experienced such a thing would also find it difficult and feel frightened and hurt by it. And when the painful feelings in my chest arise with that memory, I can gently place a hand over my heart and take a breath and remind myself that I had just crossed paths with someone deeply unhappy and it wasn’t my fault.
Recognition of one’s suffering. Recognition of the common humanity of one’s suffering. Asking, “what is it I need right now?” Offering gestures and words of kindness and support.
Perhaps it’s easy to consider offering compassion to a younger version of self, but what about a grown-up, present-day version of self? We make mistakes. We get hurt. Things don’t always work out. Difficulty arises. What if we’re able to recognize these as moments of suffering? And what if we also recognize the common humanity in that suffering? And what if instead of beating ourselves up or speaking harshly to ourselves, we offer ourselves the kindness and care that we would offer a friend or another human being? Even just asking, “what do I need right now?”
Kristin Neff also speaks of fierce self-compassion. Because sometimes the self-compassion we need involves a tender energy and sometimes it involves a protective, “Mama Bear,” energy, both aimed inwardly. Again, we may easily offer that to others, but what would it be like to offer that to self?
All these decades later, I wonder about that woman in the grocery store. Wondering what difficulty in her life created such meanness. Wondering what she experienced within herself after casting such vitriol on a random kid. Because now I know that was probably the only way she knew to express her pain and powerlessness. I feel certain her inner dialogue before and after that encounter was very savage. But if she had been a person with inner compassion, self-compassion, our paths would have crossed and maybe nothing at all would have happened. Or perhaps she would have just seen a little kid walking an aisle or two ahead of her mother trying to help her with grocery shopping. And maybe the woman would have just offered that child a little smile for her efforts.
She didn’t, but I will.